In Tierra High, there was a fight in the senior class (Europa). Let’s get started.
Austria-Hungary likes to think he is a big boy. He has been bullying Serbia, Croatia and others in his corner of the classroom. Serbia doesn’t like that, and he has spent the last few months making that clear to everyone.
Austria-Hungary goes to Serbia’s desk to tell Serbia to dust his shoes (because he’s a big boy) and someone whacks him on the back of his head. Nobody knows who exactly did it. It might have even been Austria-Hungary smacking himself to find a reason to fight, but he blames Serbia anyways, and grabs him by his blazers. He gives Serbia a list of impossible sounding concessions to make, if he wants Austria-Hungary to forgive him, including Serbia pulling his own pants down and licking Austria’s shoes in front of everyone. Serbia is scared, but not scared enough to do something so humiliating. He says no, and wtf.
Austria-Hungary is happy. This is what he wants.
Russia, France and Britain – the actual big boys (they even have a group chat and all)– are watching from either side of the classroom. The USA is one of them, but he’s too busy kissing his girlfriend in a corner of the classroom to notice the commotion.
Germany is a big boy too. Everyone agrees he is (Britain even added him into the group chat the week before). He started working out last summer, and is eager to fight.
Now, where were we?
Russia goes over to Austria-Hungary and demands that he drop Serbia. Serbia is Russia’s half-brother, so he has to help. Austria-Hungary has a friend too, Germany. He has been looking for an excuse to fight, so before Austria-Hungary could ask for Germany’s help, Germany actually walks over and says, “Get him, bro! I’m with you.”
Austria-Hungary punches Serbia. Serbia throws a hand to block, but it lands as a slap on Austria-Hungary’s face. Surprised by a strength that he hadn’t known he possessed, Serbia starts fighting back.
Russia rolls up his sleeves. Germany tells Russia to come get a piece of him, and rolls up his own. They both have big biceps.
France rolls up his sleeves too. Germany gives him the same response he gave Russia.
Belgium and Luxembourg, two quiet boys who neither get in trouble or look for it, say they don’t want any of this, but their desks are in Germany’s way. So when Germany charges at France, he quickly smashes through Belgium and Luxembourg, knocking them out. Britain, who is friends with them, is outraged by this and rolls up his sleeves to fight Germany.
Meanwhile, Austria-Hungary punches Russia, gets punched three times in rapid succession, and calls for Germany to help.
Germany walks over calmly and punches Russia. Three times. In the gut. Russia doubles over and coughs up some blood. He looks like he’s going to be sick.
Germany turns around and punches France, but fails to get the same result he got with Russia. Britain and his friends help France withstand the flurry of punches.
Meanwhile, Japan joins Britain because fuck Germany (actually he just wants some of Germany’s stuff). He throws popcorn at Germany, high fives Britain, and runs off to the back of the class to rummage through Germany’s backpack. It’s good stuff, so New Zealand joins him.
Mr Winter Snow, the principal, walks by. Everyone pretends to be studying, even though you can still see upturned desks and evidence of fighting in the classroom.
Mr Winter looks at everybody. Germany is combing Austria-Hungary’s hair. They’re both eating a schnitzel. Britain is cleaning France’s wounds. They’re bad at pretending to be playing. Russia isn’t even trying. He’s groaning on the floor.
Mr Winter walks away. Everyone jumps up except Russia. He continues getting beat up.
The Ottoman empire, another Austria-Hungary level self-styled big boy, joins Germany. Britain punches him but fails to cause significant damage.
Germany chucks out homemade stinkbombs from his bag and starts throwing them at everybody. One hits The USA’s girlfriend.
Britain and his friends all shout at Germany. It’s dirty tactics, and nobody is supposed to hit the girls. America is visibly annoyed, but his girlfriend calms him down.
Italy has been looking from left to right. He decides it’s better to join Britain, so he threatens Austria-Hungary from a corner.
Germany punches France again, then faces Britain. Their well-timed punches hit their targets simultaneously. They fall down, but quickly get up.
Britain and France hide behind one shelf. Germany hides behind another. They both chuck homemade stinkbombs at each other, inflicting serious damage.
The USA says he’s no longer friends with Germany.
The USA threatens to punch Germany. He kisses his girlfriend, and stands up. France and Britain scream hell yeah, because they need some help. The USA also has some nice toys, which is a plus.
Russia is being flattened by Germany’s punches when his phone rings. It’s his mother. There’s trouble at home. He whispers into the phone, cuts the call, and tells Germany he doesn’t want to fight anymore. Germany lets him go, unsurprisingly. He has a lot on his plate for now.
Montenegro and Italy team up to support Serbia. They kick Austria-Hungary, but he asks Bulgaria to join him and with his help manages to knock Serbia to the ground. They empty his pockets and share his stuff, which isn’t a lot, but will do for now.
The USA up until this point hasn’t done anything except give moral support. He hasn’t thrown a single punch, because his girlfriend threatened to cry if he did, and he doesn’t like his girlfriend crying.
Germany is fighting dirty though, he dashes outside, packs up some sand from the playground, and starts throwing it into everyone’s eyes. Some of the dust blows back on him, but he doesn’t care. The USA’s girlfriend screams, “Get him, Sam!”
The USA runs in, punching and kicking. He is big, and Germany is forced to take punch after punch. He is bleeding and tired, and there’s just a little fight left in him. At this point, everyone is fighting dirty.
France drags Austria-Hungary off Serbia. Bulgaria sees France coming for him and says he’ll stop fighting and be a good boy. Montenegro and Italy hold Austria-Hungary on each arm. France and Serbia take turns punching him in the gut and when they’re done, he’s unconscious. They knee him in the balls for good measure. The Ottoman empire decides it’s not worth it and plays dead. Germany stands alone now, against the Big Boys.
They close in like sharks. France kicks him in the calves and he goes down on his knees, coughing. The USA punches him, and Britain closes it up with a kick to the head. Germany blacks out, and the fight is over.
When he comes to, he is forced to:
- 1. Accept that the entire fight was his fault.
- 2. Pay for all the damage the fight caused, and give up a lot of his stuff plus his monthly allowance for the entire school year.
- 3. Agree to be spanked (pants down) by anybody in the class, on demand.
He is also kicked out of the Big Boys group chat.