In Tierra High, there was a fight in senior class (Europa). Let’s get started.
Poland is a cool guy. He’s sort of a nerd, and doesn’t like trouble. He’s friends with Britain and France, and even though his desk isn’t so close to theirs, links up with them during math.
China and Korea are the regular classmates, just nice and friendly. They’re close friends, and people often mistake them for brothers.
Japan is a slim, wiry, hard dude, but he has been doing some boxing, and he decides to get started with China and Korea (mostly because they’re the closest targets to him). He is a strong guy, and he wants people’s stuff. He dons a pair of brass knuckles. He likes them. He wants to punch somebody with them.
Germany isn’t happy. He suffered a lot of humiliation at the hands of the Big Boys last year, and he wants payback. He bides his time though, sizing up his classmates because he isn’t ready yet. Italy is friends with him now, so they sit together in class. Everyone knows Italy does coke on the weekends, so he usually shows up on Monday higher than a kite.
It’s a Monday morning.
Everyone likes Switzerland. He doesn’t fight anybody, and he’s that guy who always has something nice he’s selling in class. Today, he’s selling alcohol, and Italy is drinking up.
Russia joined a street gang last summer, so he now goes by his hood name, The USSR. He doesn’t like Germany, but they both hate Poland because he’s such a nerd. They secretly agree to jump Poland whenever they can.
Italy is very drunk right now. He is mumbling some bullshit, but everybody ignores him, even Germany.
Japan jumps high in the air, screams, and delivers a roundhouse kick that hits Korea. He drops a back kick on China, and while they’re dazed, delivers a left hook and an uppercut to Korea and China respectively. They both pass out.
Japan kicks them some more while they’re on the floor, and takes their stuff.
Poland stands up and goes to a shelf at the back of the class. Germany and The USSR follow. Poland doesn’t even see them coming. Two punches connect to either side of his head. He lets out a small yelp, and goes unconscious. France doesn’t see Poland go down. Britain is a notorious latecomer, so he’s not even around when this happens. Poor Poland.
Germany and The USSR open Poland’s backpack and take all his stuff. All of it. Just then Britain walks into class and sees Poland on the floor. He knows Germany must’ve done something but not much can be done to help Poland now.
Austria is sitting down, sipping a coke. Germany takes the coke and gulps all of it. Austria doesn’t even look pissed. He should be, but everyone knows that Austria is gay and has a crush on Germany.
Germany turns around and grabs Czechoslovakia’s burger. Maybe he thinks Czechie is gay too.
Czechoslovakia screams no fair. Even if he’s gay, he doesn’t like Germany. There’s a commotion in the middle of the class now. Britain notices.
Britain asks Germany to pleeaaasee return Czechslovakia’s stuff. Britain is really not looking forward to fighting with Germany. He didn’t really enjoy the last fight, but he hopes that Germany might not attack his friends if he shows up for them.
Germany tells Britain to shut the fuck up. Everyone is surprised when Britain actually shuts the fuck up.
France is big, but those muscles are probably fancy. He takes a lot of steroids.
Germany and The USSR split up and go back to their seats. On the way Germany tells France that his girlfriend is ugly. France replies saying that at least he has a girlfriend.
Germany asks him to say that again.
France says it again.
Scheisse!
They’re both in each other’s face now, screaming and threatening each other. Britain is trying hard to calm everyone down, especially Germany.
Italy is shouting drunkenly from the other side of the class for Germany to “get em!”
USSR carefully avoids the entire argument and is going back to his seat when he sees Finland. Finland is a very quiet guy, but The USSR hates him because his name starts with an F and ends with “land.” He also wants Finland’s stuff, which isn’t a lot by the way, but HE is THE USSR and has to get that stuff.
The classroom is very rowdy, so USSR hopes nobody can see him as he tries to grab Finland with both hands. Finland is a small guy, but he does something unexpected.
He slips out of his reach, draws his left leg back, and kicks The USSR in the balls. Hard.
Finland tells The USSR to go fuck himself. Everybody sees this happen.
Everyone is busy talking about this when Germany punches France in the belly. France doubles over. Germany knocks out Denmark and Norway.
Germany spins around. The Netherlands and Belgium don’t want any of this, but as they try to step out of Germany’s way, they mistakenly step into Germany’s way.
Germany doesn’t have time to talk now. He unleashes two haymaker punches, and both The Netherlands and Belgium are knocked out cold. Germany takes advantage of the distraction he created to deliver a right hook that sends France to dreamworld.
The entire classroom is shocked. They all thought France was one of the Big Boys. France goes down faster than a sack of potatoes.
Italy composes a song about Germany and starts chanting drunkenly.
Germany turns on Britain who is alone now. He unleashes an impressively frightening flurry of punches, but Britain (the sly old fox) dodges most of them and hides behind a shelf. He looks pretty shaken, and is breathing hard.
Germany turns on the guys who sit closest to him in the center of the class-Romania, Hungary, Austria, and others. They gasp, thinking he’s about to punch them, but he asks them to help him give the rest of the class a good whacking. They agree, because they want to be friends with him. They also don’t want to be knocked out like France or Poland.
Germany has collected a lot of stuff from people. He gathers the stuff and gives it to Switzerland for safekeeping. Switzerland has big pockets, so he err…well, pockets all the stuff. With a mischievous smile.
The USA(America, Uncle SAM) is playing X and Os with his friends Thailand, The Philippines, and Australia.
Germany and his friends go back to Switzerland to take some of that stuff they left with him. Britain pops up from behind a desk and starts pelting them with dungbombs. Germany fights back, and the situation gets rather messy.
Britain calls his friends: Canada, New Zealand, Australia, India, and the rest of The Boys to help him out. He is willing to fight alone if they don’t help.
America decides to go over to see what they’re doing. He isn’t all that enthusiastic about fighting. Before he leaves though, he sternly warns Japan to stop taking people’s stuff.
Japan is angry. “That guy Sam must be crazy. I’m Japan. I do what I want to do,” he seethes.
Germany is not happy that America is talking to Britain. He throws dungbombs at America and pretends it’s not him. He misses though.
Germany is running out of dungbombs and stuff. Switzerland is being shifty. Germany regrets asking The USSR to jump Poland with him, because now he only gets half of Poland’s stuff.
What if he attacks The USSR though…
Japan decides to pounce on The Philippines when America is not looking. Everyone around Japan is taking a beating.
Germany is seriously considering fighting The USSR, who is limping. Finland has shown everyone that The USSR isn’t such a strong guy, and now Germany wants the rest of Poland’s stuff. He also wants The USSR’s stuff (which is A WHOLE LOT, actually).
Germany (not so discreetly) walks over to The USSR and hits him across the face with a chair. Germany knees him in the balls. The USSR goes down, but he’s not out yet.
Japan runs over to Germany and pats him on his back. Japan hates The USSR more than anything in the world.
America asks Switzerland to stop keeping Germany’s stolen stuff. He wants Switzerland to stop being friends with them altogether. Switzerland is a shifty guy and wants to be friends with everyone. He mumbles something to keep America happy for now.
America and Australia gather the boys and try to help China and Korea. America turns to shout at Japan and…
…Japan connects a chair to the side of his head.
“Shut up, Sam!”
He dives at The Philippines and flattens him out with punches.
America is stunned. He is usually a chill guy, but Japan went too far. Nobody, I mean nobody, hits Sam.
America goes beserk, and decides that all the bullies are going down. Even Germany.
Germany for some inexplicable reason refuses to realise he’s fucked.
Italy tries to fight, but he’s too drunk (and stoned) to be of much use. He decides to pick on smaller targets, but gets punched in the nose by Albania. He faces Greece, and gets kicked in the knee.
Germany chucks two dungbombs from across the room at Greece and Albania. They both go down, for now.
Italy trips and falls on the floor. He decides to take a short nap.
Japan is in trouble. He is facing hit after hit from America. He fights viciously, but is no match for Sam, who really wants to put him to sleep.
The USSR manages to get up, which is no small feat. He has suffered a lot, but now he’s up, and mad.
Germany refuses to realise that he’s fucked. He does have his attention divided though. America, Britain and the Boys are helping France get up, so Germany has to fight two battles. He kicks France repeatedly, but Britain is determined to help.
Germany warns Britain that he’ll come and get him soon.
Britain reckons he’s bluffing so he, America, and Canada all come over to get Germany.
Germany lets France go. France is starting to recover himself. Japan can’t help Germany, because he’s fighting America and The Boys.
Japan is savagely fighting. He looks like he’d rather die than give up. America knows Japan has to be put to sleep, and possibly in a mental facility.
Germany is tired. He still manages to land a successful punch on The USSR every now and then. The USSR has seen ninety-nine, so a hundred won’t hurt. He keeps pushing Germany back.
Britain, a dazed but standing France, America, Canada encroach on one side. With The USSR on the other side, they back Germany into a corner.
Germany considers surrendering now, but The Boys have decided he needs to go to sleep.
So…they all pounce on him. After a bit of roughhousing (The USSR has to be dragged off Germany though), Germany goes to sleep. He has a lot of savage looking soviet inflicted bite wounds.
Germany’s friends claim he strongarmed them into fighting with him. They’re let go, after they promise to be good.
Switzerland keeps a lot of stuff.
Japan is losing, but he doesn’t want to surrender. America warns him severally, then pulls out two steel pipes from his bag and connects them to either side of his head.
Japan suffers a concussion. In his daze, he sees The USSR coming for him. He sees Germany’s bite wounds, and he doesn’t want that, so he surrenders to America. Wise choice, but everyone’s shocked. They thought he’d commit Seppuku.
Switzerland keeps a whole lot of stuff.
The class has been so noisy that the ensuing silence seems really weird in comparison.
It is finally over.